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JOKE THREAD

Just the place to quench your thirst from that long cattle drive, and spin yarns about anything ya want.

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wwbiteme
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Post by wwbiteme » Wed Sep 23, 2009 2:35 am

I just got back from the doctor...He said I need to stop masturbating...I asked why...he said "because I'm trying to examine you"..

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wwbiteme
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Computer Diagnosis

Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:02 am

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:03 am

A screwdriver walks into a bar and takes a seat up by the bartender.

The bartender looks up at him with a puzzled look on his face. He leans closer to the screwdriver and says, "Hey buddy, you know we got a drink named after you in here."

Suprised, the screwdriver looks up at the bartender and responds, "You got a drink named Carl?"
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:05 am

A man was driving through Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're very lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know nothing about cars!"
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wwbiteme
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:05 am

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase
his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex
with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked
for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1
to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You
were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this
time..'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free
sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct
number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor
said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex
this time.'

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he don't really
give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won
twice last week
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Proud Texan Father

Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:07 am

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:08 am

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:20 am

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:26 am

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
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wwbiteme
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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 23, 2012 6:53 pm

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 23, 2012 11:21 pm

One day a big cowboy was captured by the Indians. The Chief says "Ugh you big cowboy, you passum test and we no scalp you". The cowboy asks "Well whats the test?".............

The Chief explains "Go in tipi #1 drink much alcohol, come out ...Go in Tipi #2 pull abseth tooth on bear,,,come out and go in tipi #3 and have sex with squaw woman. Never have sex before".......

The big cowboy agrees and walks in tipi #1 and drinks,,,,about an hour later he comes out and staggers in tipi #2,,,,the bear growl, the cowboy screams, and the fur flys....an hour later the cowboy staggers out, clothes ripped to shreds, bleeding, and smoking a cigarette asking "Now where is that squaw with that absethed tooth?"...........
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Post by wwbiteme » Thu Jan 26, 2012 2:18 am

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$hitkicker
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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by $hitkicker » Sun Feb 19, 2012 4:37 pm

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
>
>
> >> The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. >
>
>
> >> Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
>
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> >> My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
>
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> >> Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
>
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> >> Question - Are there too many immigrants in America? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I not understanding question please."
>
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> >> The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
>
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> >> A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
>
> >>
> >> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
> >>>>
> >>
> >> My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
> >>
> >>
> >> I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
> >> >>
> >>
> >> There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
> >>>>
> >>
> >> The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
"All skill is in vein when an angel pees in the touch hole of your musket."

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