JOKE THREAD

Just the place to quench your thirst from that long cattle drive, and spin yarns about anything ya want.

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JOKE THREAD

Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:29 pm

Well Ill get this one started....

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:29 pm

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:30 pm

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
replied the first cowboy.

"So, how’d you get away?" asked the other cowboy.

"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over,"
replied the first cowboy.

"Man, that’s scary! If it’d been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

Posted on the old Forum by: Dani

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:36 pm

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. .

Posted from the old forum by: Hijo de Puta

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:37 pm

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I’ll need my horse."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse’s ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.

"Second wish," said the Chief.

"I’ll need my horse again," said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse’s ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.

"This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."

"I’ll need my horse again."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse’s head, and put his face right up to the horse’s.

"I said POSSE!"

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:37 pm

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:37 pm

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:38 pm

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:38 pm

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

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Post by patt hibulaire » Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:03 pm

hi
just wanna say "we'll drink milk when cow will drink wine"
sweet bullet for kill noone

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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:04 pm

nice

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Post by wwbiteme » Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:46 pm

Image

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Post by Flawless Cowboy » Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:26 pm

okay I got one
so a cowboy is riding his horse thru the woods, and sees an indian chick bathing in the river
so he goes up and rapes her for 20 minutes, and the whole time shes saying arraba-wabba
after 20 minutes he gets back on his horse and rides off to the nearest town
when he gets into town he goes to the local bar and orders a drink
he sees an indian playing pool, the indian shoots the 8-ball, but gets it in the wrong pocket
he screams arraba-wabba
the cowboy walks up to him and asks, "hey I heard that several times before, what does it mean?"
the indian replies, " oh it means wrong hole"

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Post by wwbiteme » Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:28 pm

Good one FC!!

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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:54 pm

A man was driving through Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're very lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know nothing about cars!"

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