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JOKE THREAD

Just the place to quench your thirst from that long cattle drive, and spin yarns about anything ya want.

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wwbiteme
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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Feb 19, 2008 7:51 pm

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Screw you, Asshole. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Feb 19, 2008 7:55 pm

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain 't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

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Post by wwbiteme » Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:05 pm

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, '
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's nearly three times a week!

You could learn a lot from him.'


They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,

'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one


The husband looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

PLEASE NOTE:
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable

And he should eventually make a full recovery.

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Post by wwbiteme » Mon Jan 19, 2009 1:34 pm

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase
his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex
with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked
for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1
to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You
were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this
time..'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free
sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct
number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor
said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex
this time.'

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he don't really
give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won
twice last week

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Post by zivs » Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:03 pm

The good old story about ass shaving:
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

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Post by wwbiteme » Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:37 am

lol nice... :lol:

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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jun 21, 2009 1:49 pm

Time to bump this thread....

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
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Post by wwbiteme » Sun Jun 21, 2009 1:56 pm

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.
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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:17 am

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one
day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have
the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the
Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek
retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced
mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire".

... and so on and so on until the Greek comes up with
what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds
and replies quietly, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"
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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:18 am

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."

Worried, Johnny replied, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:18 am

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “We don’t have any condoms. I''ll call room service.” So he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'''' ''''No,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''
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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:19 am

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
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Post by wwbiteme » Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:21 am

Ok and lastly some real groaners!!!

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a rab.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
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Post by El_Pedo_Ciego » Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:52 am

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.

:lol:


Do you know how Chinese people name their kids?

They throw a pan down the stairs... Ching! Chang! Wong!
/PF/ El_Pedo_Ciego - a.k.a LonePedo -


"I maintain a steady diet of rare steaks, beef jerky and live ammunition..."

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Post by Huche_de_Vent » Tue Jul 28, 2009 2:46 pm

Q: What did the Sioux Indians have for breakfast the morning following the Battle of Little Bighorn?

A: Custard!
/PF/Huche
aka gravedigger


"I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin."

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